When Saying “Yes” Costs Too Much with Emily Aborn

Okay, be honest with me and I promise I'll do the same. How many browser tabs do you have open right now on your computer? How many unread emails are there in your inbox? How many open loops? Things on your calendar you're not looking forward to, but they're there anyway. How many unfinished projects are sitting staring back at you on your to-do list? My answers are eight, two, 6,000 million, 58, and another 6,000 million.

This episode is not to make us feel more overwhelmed, guilty, or behind. It's actually to take a good hard look at the fact that sometimes saying yes can cause some undue, extraness and stress in our lives. In this episode, we're going to talk about building a thriving business that isn't focused on doing more. It's actually about saying no more often as a strategy.

So you sit tight, I'll be over here closing a tab, deleting an email while the intro music rolls. Welcome to Small Business Casual. You're in the right place if you've got an entrepreneurial mindset and you want to grow a business that's successful, profitable, and thriving, but you don't want it to get in the way of your time with family and friends. I'm Emily Aborn, and I'm here to guide you through with grounded marketing.

practical business ownership strategies and more as we design a business that works for you.

Okay, whew, I feel a little better already. Welcome to the month of November, the month where we are letting go and saying no before the new year. Today's episode, we're going to focus on that magical two letter word that can be an entire strategy in and of itself. And it can be a life-changing one at that. I love adding and thinking about what new things I'll be creating in a new year. And maybe you do too.

But this year, I'm actually more interested in what I would like to remove because to be totally forthright, 2025, I took on too much at certain times and I didn't like how I was showing up in certain areas of my life. And as a result,

Yeah, as a result, I'm feeling a little rusty heading into the new year here. Now, before we kick off, I do want to say that, of course, there are seasons for yes and seasons for no. There's a lot of science and evidence that shows that you should skew and default towards yes. And there's also a lot of science and evidence that shows you can skew and default towards no, and your life will be more simpler and easy. So the choice is yours. And it also will depend largely on the season you're in.

But to kind of give you some context of why my season might be no for right now, I got to rewind you to the 2024 version of me who was setting my goals and plans into motion for 2025. That Emily, she was already working on reducing things in life, which is funny if I think about it. My 2025 word of the year was like calm or peace or simplicity, like space, something like that.

which I think is so funny now that I look back on it, because in my efforts to make space, I just kept making a list of goals and objectives. At the time I was doing it with my accountability buddy and fellow copywriter, she helps me with a lot of my small business copywriting projects, Crystal. And so we're over there. I think we both were guilty of it, just adding and adding and adding and adding. The words increase and do more and gain more and they're just like all over that sheet. So.

Again, funny. So small example, last year on this podcast, and I will link to this episode if you're interested in being a guest on podcasts, but last year I was a guest on 52 podcasts. And at the end of that year, I realized, well, that was too many. That was a little bit too much for me given my time and capacity and client load and commitments. And so this year I said to myself, you know what? I will just shoot for 35. I won't go for 52.

That's kind of a big number, that was too much. Well, don't you know on October 22nd, I looked at my spreadsheet, which was at 30 at that date and I was like, okay, that was either perfect or going to 35 would still have been too much with the kind of load and also the personal life that I had this year. trust me, like podcast casting is one of my favorite ways to connect and collaborate. I love podcast casting.

but I've also said no and turned down a couple of opportunities that just weren't really a good fit because I knew I only had 35 spots to fill, right? So it's been a lot of information even for me next year, I might need to whittle that down a little bit more, be more selective with that yes and say no more often.

So other examples of saying yes are just kind of saying yes to too many areas of my life at once. I had a couple of times this year when it wasn't just business stuff that was like piled high. It was also family, friends, things I was trying to work with my health and routines and events on top of the business norm. Like it was just everywhere. Everything got a yes. Hence the feeling a little rusty. Another area, which this might be a hot button for some people, but saying yes,

to too much on time. And by on time, I mean too much time on our phone, too much people time, too much connectedness, too much scrolling, news, podcasts, multitasking, always needing that noise, noise, noise, or like always needing to add fix, say yes to this supplement and this routine and this habit and this thing being flung at you. In our over consumption society, I think we've really normalized yes.

but it's not like a refined yes. It's just kind of like, yes to all the things. And this applies in a lot of areas in life, not just business, know, listening to podcasts constantly and scrolling while you're on the toilet and always having to have a music or a show on while we cook and eat. I don't think it's bad, but I think we need to be cognizant when we are constantly filling because of that constant yes.

So I don't think that the problem is saying yes when it's to the right things. I think it's when yes becomes the default answer and your life starts to become full of things that are not a priority and that are not kind of like aligned with you and are, you know, burning you out, running you down, et cetera, et cetera. It's when yes is a no for your space, for your peace and your mind.

And it's also when yes is really actually like an internal like, hell no, but you do it anyway, right? So that was kind of the story for me from the past year. And that's why I wanted to do this episode, no, the two letter strategy that more people need. So let's begin our journey there with the cost of saying yes to everything or most everything. Many yesers equate that yes,

to opportunities and growth and being helpful, which I identify with also. And all of those things for sure can be true. It's also important to remember though that behind every single yes, there is a cost. So when we're saying yes to the wrong things or just like simply too much things, too many things, you have to think of like this kind of like hidden cost ledger that's like ticking up and adding up behind you. And so every time you...

give that yes away, you're subtracting from somewhere else. And that balance sheet is not one that you wanna mess around with. So let's break down some of the areas that yes does cost us. Just like realistically, what does it cost us? So first off, probably obvious, cost us time. Yeses usually involve a time commitment. Even quick yeses, quick things that you say yes to, they're not quick, so keep that in mind. But in my world, and I'm sure this rings true for you too,

Every appointment I have, it has prep, it has follow-up, it has notes, or it's distracting me and taking me away from something else. It could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing that it's taking me away from. But it's just important to remember that every appointment does have extra pieces to it. Even habits and routines that you decide to start implementing doing, those take time.

They take time to implement. They take time to set in. They take time to, you know, get back on track, that kind of thing. Time is one of those finite things, right? It's so, saying yes to something, it has a direct correlation to now you need to say no to something else because you simply don't have infinite time. I mean, some people believe that time is infinite and I will welcome the secret behind that, but it does have a direct correlation to needing to say no to something else.

I know for me that if I say yes to something as simple as a coffee chat, it means that I won't be doing probably deep work that afternoon. I'll have to end up cleaning my house on the weekend instead of on a Friday morning when I like to. So it's important to just remember that yes, even something as simple and small as hop on a chat, it can negate you of maybe it's your afternoon alone time for you or fresh air or getting out there and watching birds. Yeses take time.

The second cost is energy. And some of it is this mental load of like tracking all the things that you've said yes to in your commitments. And I know we have digital tools and calendars and phone reminders and all that jazz, but there is a mental load of tracking all of the things that you have committed to. Is that just me? Is that just me? There's also an emotional energy of doing things that you don't want to do or having too many things on your plate.

Maybe that's also just me, but I can tell you that there have been so many times I have wanted to just melt into the floor like a puddle because I said yes to something that I don't want to do and now it is looming over me and I must do it because I am a woman of my word. It also takes energy to context switch. So when you are jumping from deep work to a call or, you know, being at your office to meeting people out in...

For coffee, it takes a little bit of context switching, which there is an energy cost and time. There is a cost, sorry, for your energy and time there too. It can also be really tiring to have to juggle. I don't know if you find this, but I find it hard to sometimes like change real quick and juggle between competing priorities or people or places or time energy. Like other people have their energy too, right? And so sometimes it's like, whoa.

context switch and that can be a little bit of a roller coaster ride as well. you know honestly if I am being totally honest with myself hopping on a quick call it's like two hours up in my world because there's the getting ready like I actually have to do my hair and straighten it and everything. There's the getting ready, there's the taking the time out of what I was doing and then there's the getting back on track and it almost always leaves me a little bit exhausted after. So there is an energy cost to our yeses.

There is also a quality cost in some cases to our yeses when you are spread thin, when yes is the automatic answer, inevitably quality is going to suffer somewhere, whether it be you in your own health, your family, your life, your clients, it doesn't matter where it's suffering because the thing is all of these things deserve your very best work, not the leftovers. And you can't do your very best work. You can't do exceptional, excellent work.

when you are doing all the yeses, all the work, all over the place, all the time. So, you know, I find that if I am rushing through a project, which this rarely happens, because I do usually adhere to very strict, reasonable timeline. But if I am having to work really fast because there's a big deadline, I have to work extra hard to make sure that the quality is there, that I am not missing those little details, making mistakes, you know, being spread too thin for me also comes with a lack of

creativity because I don't have as much room to breathe. I personally need a good timeline. I don't need that like tomorrow deadline to get my creative muscles going. I need a reasonable timeline and that's when my creativity really really comes to life. And so does my motivation and my passion and my excitement for it too. So the quality can suffer when you are being spread too thin. And the other thing that can be a cost is

A resentful yes. So when you're saying yes, but you actually are like, I'm only saying yes because I should do this thing. I have to give Heather McGuire a shout out here. She is on Instagram, the unconventional intuitive, and I'll make sure there's a link to her Instagram, but she, I'll actually link to this specific video because she recently did a video, which she said my last episode on decision-making inspired her. And it was about like saying yes.

when you just feel like you should, when it's just an obligation. And I believe that, you know, we, there are times when you have to do that. And when you say it, when that happens too often, when you say yes and you mean no, or you say yes and it's only because you should do something or, know, whatever your brain is telling you, the reason is it can breed resentment and that can cause resentment towards the person who asked you, or it can cause resentment towards yourself for agreeing.

The buildup, let me just tell you, that's like the most horrible part where you're just beating yourself up for having had said yes. Like, why did I do this? I'll never do this again. It also poisons relationships in your business and maybe even with yourself if it goes on too long. So think about that because saying yes to whatever, like maybe it's a discount request from someone, but then resenting the client, like that's not a very good yes. That's not a yes you wanna be giving.

So it might warrant a saying no. And the final cost I came up with was burned bridges. Now I mean paradoxical ones, of course, not actual burned bridges, but when you overcommit and it leads to say dropping balls or missing deadlines or delivering subpar work, that yes is then gonna end up being a no later because you may have kind of.

Damaged that relationship right and I have often found as well that if I say yes upfront And I'm just like effusively all in and I'm going along with it just to get along When I decide that you know what now this isn't for me, then it becomes a real issue down the road and it's way more Dramatic than it needs to be had I just said no upfront So just keep those in mind, you know the time and the energy and the quality and the relationships and the resentment

There's also money, right? Sometimes yes actually costs money. It can cost you bandwidth. It can cost you tools or systems that you need to add. It can cost you things you need to learn that you didn't know how to do because they're not in your wheelhouse. So again, going back to the beginning, I don't want you to say no to everything, obviously. But if saying yes to everything costs that much, it's like, whoa, we need to determine when we're saying yes here and when we're saying no.

a little bit more strategically. Actually, I think I wanna say intentionally. So one of my first episodes of this show, it's actually one of the most listened to, it's when it was called Content with Character, it's called the four questions to ask before saying yes or taking on a new project. I'll make sure there's a link in the show notes, but for me, it's always worth revisiting this framework because it really has changed how I make decisions, especially when it comes to decisions in my business and like shiny objects.

So I use these four questions. They create a filter for a lot of the things I say yes to and a lot of the things I say no to. Question number one, do I want to do this? And I mean, for real, like get quiet, give yourself a minute. Your gut probably knows, but if not, give it a little more time. If it's not a full body, like for sure, yes, let it simmer and give yourself some time to decide on it. Get more information if you have to.

And for the love of all things, please don't confuse should with yes, I want to do this thing. So an example would be if somebody asks you to speak at their event or host this workshop, do you actually want to do it or do you just feel obligated? And I know the brain comes up with all of these things like, I guess I should, or it would be good for me, right? So you just have to really get quiet and ask yourself deep down inside, do I want to do this thing?

And if you're getting a no all the time for that, by the way, it might be time to re-examine what you're doing because if people are always asking you and you're like, no, I never want to do any of it, time to re-examine. Question number two, do I have time to do this thing? So be realistic about what that time looks like on your calendar. And again, account for that full scope, not just the meeting, but also the prep, the follow-up, the mental space. What else are you currently committed to right now? Will you have to sacrifice to make time for this?

A potential client, for example, wants a rush project. And sure, maybe you could technically do it, but it's gonna mean that you have to work a weekend or late at night or push other clients back. So do you realistically have time to do this? And you can always come back and say, you know what, we need to adjust that timeline. I don't work with a rush. Question number three, can I do this? Do I have the skills, the resources, the capacity? Is this my zone of genius or am I forcing it?

Will this require you to learn something new? And if that's the case, do you have time for that? Do you have time to learn the new thing? Is it actually your job or are you doing somebody else's work? Can you do this thing? So an example for that would be like if a client were to come to me and say, hey, can you design my logo? Well, no, I'm a copywriter. I mean, can I? Probably. Should I? No. Should I? No.

Question number four, will I do this? And this is when you have to be very honest with yourself because realize that there are times you have said yes and then you don't do the thing, right? You procrastinate or you drag your feet or you just don't do it. There's no follow through at all. So if you are not going to do the thing, don't commit to doing the thing. And I feel like here's what I'll say, if I'm already dreading something,

When I, when I like, am ready to give that yes, then I probably should not be doing it at all. The question, will I do this? It often reveals a whole lot of truth. an example of this would be like, let's say you agree to write a blog post for somebody's site and six months later, it's still sitting there because you never actually wanted to do it in the first place. So will you actually do this thing or you want to start a podcast? but you never actually follow through and take those next steps.

So all four, in my opinion, need to be a yes in order for it to be a true, full yes. Even one no means, okay, time to reevaluate, maybe it's time to wait, maybe I need more information, or maybe the answer is just no. And I have found this year, more than ever, it's like one of my top lessons of the year, you can practice pausing before you respond.

You can rest before you reply and you can give yourself time to run through these questions. Any questions you need to get clarity on your answer. So an easy, easy one and easy response is let me check my calendar and get back to you. Sometimes I'll even tell people when I'm going to check my calendar. Like I'm gonna be sitting down with my calendar next Friday and I will get back to you then. That buys me a lot of time to think about it. So.

You've got to filter those questions for yourself. But you know the cost now of too many yeses, you know kind of how to determine whether or not it's a yes or no. And now let's talk about what you might actually say no to and we'll get real kind of specific and then we'll wrap up. I don't think that saying no is just about turning down like projects or opportunities. There are so many places where no needs to show up in our businesses and our lives.

So the most common ones I came up with and the most important ones introducing your new two letter strategy, no, no to scope creep. We talked about this in a past episode where we discussed boundaries, but that's when like that client asks her just one more thing, right? That's outside the contract. And maybe you say yes, or you think you should say yes, because you don't want to be difficult or you want to be helpful or you just have terrible boundaries, but that yes leads to free work.

or resentment or an issue that can potentially spiral out of control. So an easy way to say no is like, I would love to help you with that. I recently got to do this and it was like the best. So I'd love to help you with that. It falls outside our current scope. Let me send you a proposal for the new work. Done, it's magical, it's easy breezy. Another one to do is that's a great idea. If we add that, I'll just need to adjust our timeline and our budget.

Do you want me to send options? I always like them to make sure that they're okay with me sending like, know, it's gonna cost a little more and I'm gonna send you the price. Also done that recently, highly recommend. When I say saying no, I don't mean we're literally just like emailing back, no, right? We're redirecting, we're making it possible with boundaries. We're making it possible in a way that's realistically and not gonna burn us out. So in some cases, if you just straight up don't wanna do it,

or you can't do it right now, you can just say, know, sorry, I don't have capacity or room in my project calendar for right now. That is okay too. You can also send them along to somebody else. You can also bring on somebody that can help you. There's like so many options in there. So no actually comes with a lot of options. The second thing I would encourage us to remember to say no to is like discount requests. Now, you know, I think sometimes in the beginning you do this a little more often.

But the deal, what if I refer people? Can I get the affiliate code even though I'm not blah, blah? I'm a nonprofit, right? And we say yes because we don't want to lose the sale or maybe we feel guilty or maybe we don't feel confident in our pricing. But what happens is we end up attracting clients that don't respect our value and our prices. And we also undervalue the work that we're doing. And this can be a really hard one to say no to. So some ways I like is like,

My pricing reflects the value and expertise I bring. I don't offer discounts, but here's what's included. Or I price my work to be sustainable for my business. I'm not able to offer a reduced rate, but I can work with you on a payment plan if that helps. Now that's only if you can, and that's only if that's not gonna create resentment for you. Another one is like, I love your mission, my nonprofit rate, I will sometimes offer a discounted nonprofit rate.

My nonprofit rate is X and here's what it includes, but hold the line and you can hold the line with warmth. The other two I have are no to quick favor emails, which is like the, I pick your brain? Quick question, do you have five minutes? Those kinds of things. Death by a thousand quick questions is all I have to say about that. And it's a really easy, like I've done this so many times and it feels so good. I'd love to help. I consult on this for XYZ in my strategy session. Happy to schedule a call with you.

or great question, I actually have a blog or a podcast on that, here's the link, right? Or I'm not actually taking coffee chats right now, but here's a resource that could help you. So you just offer an alternative and you're honoring your time in doing so. And then lastly, oops, second to lastly, the fifth one in my outline was hiding over here. So the fourth one is no to clients and opportunities that don't align.

And we talked a lot about red flags in the red flag episode, but this is just anybody that is maybe they're outside your niche. Maybe they have red flags. Maybe it's work that doesn't excite you. It actually doesn't matter the reason. Maybe it's their value system, right? And it's very obvious to you that it's different from yours. I think we often say yes because we need the money or we have a scarcity mindset or we feel a sense of FOMO. I know I've been there where I'm just like, I want all the projects. I want all the different industries and clients.

Or maybe we just feel pressure from like some sort of intertwined relationship or whatever. It does end up costing energy and misalignment in your portfolio. And it can end up being a real recipe for disaster depending on what the situation is. So really simple to just say, sounds great, but it's not in my wheelhouse. Let me refer you to somebody else whose it is.

or based on what you shared with me, I don't think I'm the best fit for this project. I've done that recently and actually that was good choice as well. I do appreciate you thinking of me. It's not aligned with the work I'm focusing on right now, but you just decline it graciously. And if you can refer to somebody else who can probably help them. And then lastly, number five, saying no to non-reciprocal offers or relationships. This is like when you are just always, always giving.

giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, and giving some more and never receiving. People who only reach out when they need something drives me bananas or you send them an email with all of these resources and information or a connection email and they never get back to you. Drives me baddie. Unreciprocated, non-reciprocal relationships, no, no thank you.

Sometimes you keep on going for them, right? Because you're like, well, it'll pay off eventually, or you worry that you're being too selfish if you say no, or you're just a really super generous, nice person, which is fine, but y'all have to remember to be nice and generous to yourself too. So I wish I could say that this one had an easy way to do it, but it's really not easy. You have to start small by saying, stop saying yes to every single ask from people who don't show up for you.

because that's the problem right there. I'm sorry, but I'm not able to help with that right now or, you know, I just don't respond in some cases because it's not a priority for me in my life. So sometimes the no is just deprioritizing all of that giving that you're doing. But what I really want for you is to...

Focus and protect your energy for the reciprocal relationships because there are a whole lot of those just waiting to lift you up, waiting to be give give and let you receive as much as you're giving to them. So protect that, fight for those kind of relationships, not the ones that are non-reciprocal and unappreciated. Okay, to wrap up, I wanted to give you some more ideas on how to say no without burning those bridges.

I have found time and time again that people really do respect clear, kind no's more than they do wishy-washy yeses or very ambiguous answers that are like vague and confusing when you're like, is that a yes? Is that a no? Are they leaving the door open? Like a clear, kind no is awesome. So you can still be kind and clear and honest and say no.

I find that a lot of these burned bridges, they happen from when you act like it's a yes or you over promise and then you under deliver. It's not from setting a polite boundary. A lot of these burned bridges actually happen when you've given the wrong yes. So the formula for a good no, make sure that you do acknowledge the ask. Let them know that you've heard them. You understand what they're asking for. And also if you don't understand what they're asking for, ask what they're asking.

deliver your no clearly don't waffle. Don't go back and forth. Don't say sorry, right? Offer an alternative if appropriate. It's not required. but that's a great spot to like give a referral out to somebody who is more in their wheelhouse and keep it brief. have learned this, definitely this year. Don't over explain. Keep it brief. have a

love of over explaining myself. It's not even over explaining. It's just actual explaining. Like I want to give you all 10 reasons that this is a no for me, but I run the risk of like people will then come back on that and be like, well, here's a way to overcome all of those excuses you've just given. And I definitely don't want that. So just keep that, keep that in your mind. You don't need to over explain things. You can just keep it simple, brief, honest, and short.

You might also in some cases want like a soft no. That's when you you're like, it's not a now but maybe later. So simple is just I can't commit to this right now. But if things change, I will definitely reach out. And then maybe you jot it down somewhere so that you have it in your back pocket if you ever want to reach out in the future. A simple explanation is a great explanation. You really

don't need to get into too much detail. You can simply say, I'm not able to, I won't be able to make it. You don't have to come up with all of these excuses or reasons that you can't. Now there is this saying or phrase that no is a complete sentence, right? And yes, sure it is. And it's also a little rude. So I'm definitely not condoning that. I'm condoning a polite no. I think it's a lot better, but definitely don't need to.

you know, sprinkle it with a sorry's, don't need to apologize excessively. One, I appreciate your understanding is very sufficient. And also if you don't want to have them come back to you later, if you don't want the soft no, don't leave the door open. Don't leave the door open unless you actually want to walk through it again, potentially down the road. I don't know about you, but somehow they must have like a little spreadsheet or something. Cause when I give that soft no,

It's like jotted down and they come back. They come back later if I leave that door open. So close the door if you don't want the door to stay open. And then you do have to practice. You have to practice, practice, practice saying, no, start small with something low stakes. You're gonna maybe feel a little bit of uncomfortable at first. Discomfort is okay. Remember that. You can usually handle it in instances like this. And then watch what happens because time and time again,

The worst case scenario, the thing that I thought was gonna happen doesn't happen. The world does not end. The sky does not fall. And I even feel a little bit freer afterwards. So I am now going to challenge you. What will you say no to this week? It could be something big or small. It could be something new or something that you're already doing that you have known for a while it's time to walk away from. It could be a meeting you actually don't need to be there for. A quick question.

or pick your brain kind of thing, right? A project inquiry that's just not aligned for you, a discount request, an invitation to something you don't wanna go to. It could be continuing a pattern or a habit or something that's draining you. I wanna know what you're gonna say no to and also how you said it.

So I want that for two reasons. I want to hear your ideas and I want to celebrate it with you. Let's wrap up with just the reminder that remember saying no is not selfish. It's a strategy. is strategic. It is actually very unselfish because when you say no, you have a lot more of a lot more room for the yeses for the people in your life and the things that matter most and the spaces you want to be that really deserve your best. So you're really saying yes.

to all of those other wonderful things that you have prioritized. Every no creates space for a yes, and sometimes it creates space for an even better yes. Don't forget that. Your business, your sanity, they will thank you for saying no. Next week, we are gonna talk about a question I get asked all the time. Does my business need a social media platform or newsletter or lead magnet or substack or blog or podcast? We're gonna...

touch on this myth of being everywhere and talk about how to decide what you actually need. And then I just wanna give a little teaser. I have a very special guest and very special topic on November 18th. And then on the 25th, we're gonna talk about how to support fellow business owners and creators beyond just like a simple thank you and why it matters now more than ever. I can't wait to chat with you then.

Thanks for joining me on this week's episode of Small Business Casual. If you want more business advice that's a little quirky, not too buttoned up, one less accessory, and just right, visit my website, emilyaborn.com, and connect with me over on Instagram, at EmilyAborn. I'll be here, cozy slippers in hand, to help you design a business you love.